The phone rang. The lady of the house answered

"Yes?" "Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking" "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked.

"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's terrible! Can we repeat the test?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally, yes, but Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

A hospital's consulting dietician was giving a lecture to several community nurses.

He said, "the crap that we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is horrible. Fizzy drinks eat your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables are now "iffy" because of fertilisers and pesticides ... and none of us seem to realize the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water. However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous, and we all have, or will (likely), eat it at some time in our lives.

Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 65-year-old nursing sister sitting in the front row raised her hand, stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

A senior citizen goes in for his annual physical with his wife tagging along behind him.

When the doctor enters the room he instructs the man, 'I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.'

The man being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and shouts, 'What did he say?'

The wife yells back at him, 'He said, give him your underwear!'

Joe was having terrible headaches, and went to see the doctor about them.

The doctor examined him extensively then said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and l ive a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... a new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see.. .size 44 long'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

' Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see...size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second opinion - PRICELESS

When the hospital Board of Directors asked a panel of doctors to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised no rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body," while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow; the Plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter".

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

And in the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some bum.