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Medical Jokes
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Laughter - The Best Medicine
My sex drive is too high
"You're in remarkable shape for a man your age," said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after the examination.

"I know it," said the old gentleman. "I've really got only one complaint-my sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?"

The doctor's mouth dropped open. "Your what?!" he gasped.

"My sex drive," said the old man. "It's too high, and I'd like to have you lower it if you can."

"Lower it?!" exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the ninety-year old gentleman was saying. "Just what do you consider 'high'?"

"These days it seems like it's all in my head, Doc," said the old man, "and I'd like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can."

Doctor v/s Mechanic

Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey...Is dat you? Come over here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away and said softly, to Morris, "Try doing your work with the engine running."

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat.I hadn`t considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained,
"I`m delivering him to my doctor`s office."
The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady,"he said, "but I Think It`s *too* late!"

That problem...
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"
The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."
"What was the result?" the first doctor asked.
"It was an eight year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him and then that stupid letter arrived!"

Mental Disorder
A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute
"Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want ... Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesnít matter which number you press ... no one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother s maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep ...... Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up ... All of our operators are too busy to talk to you

Ban plastic bags...
Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon.
The surgeon said: "You are in luck! I am an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours."
So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said: "I got done faster than I expected to. John is down at the local pub."
Sam went to the pub and saw John throwing darts.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon.
The surgeon said: "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours." Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said: "I finished early - John is down at the soccer field."
Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals.
A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon.
The surgeon said: "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours."
So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I am sorry, John died."
Sam said: "I understand - heads are tough." The surgeon said: "Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag!"

Acute headache !
A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.
Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post operation shock, spoke to the young surgeon in training about it.
"Don`t worry about a thing, nurse," the young doctor assured her. "He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."

The gulping chief!
When the tribal chief was suffering from constipation, one of his men goes to a doctor.
Knowing little English he says, `Big Chief!...... No shit!!`
The doctor prescribes the medicines for 3 days, which the man gives to his chief. The chief hoping for a faster cure takes all the medicines in one gulp.
After some time the man runs back to the doctor and says `Big shit!......No Chief!!`

House call !
Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he`d gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"
A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.
A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?"
Mr. Tuttle complied with the request. In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle.
He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?"
"Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can`t get my instrument bag open."

The nuts!
A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, ``Up nuts!``
And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, ``Down nuts!`` And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, ``Cheer nuts!`` And they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied, ``Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, ``PEANUTS!``

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