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Medical Jokes
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Laughter - The Best Medicine
Apr06
Refrigerator Husband

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband ... he thinks he's a refrigerator!"

"I Wouldn't worry too much about it", the doctor replies. "Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass."

"But you don't understand," the woman insists. "He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake."


Apr04
National Mental Health Care Week Joke

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. As they were leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'

We are approaching the National Mental Health Care week.

You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

Well ... my job is done. Your turn. Please pass this on :)


Apr02
Mental Hospital Phone Menu

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mothership.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are manic- bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep.
Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.


Mar31
Human Obsessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children.

'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom,
Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom,
Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us.'


Mar30
Prescription Cyanide

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into a pharmacy, walked up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some Cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."


Mar29
Pharmacy Bridal Registry

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a pharmacy. Jacob suggests that they go in and have a look around.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."


Mar28
New Prescription Drugs For Women

   
New Prescription Drugs For Women

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and lone liness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid s ilicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. '

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

Now, send these to any woman who needs a good laugh, and any man who can handle it.


Mar27
Give Thanks For Your Job

When you have an 'I Hate My Job' day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by this company is personally tested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at this company."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!


Mar26
Chemist at the Pharmacy

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"

"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist

The chemist replies, "That's it, I can never remember that word!"


Mar24
Paramedic Joke

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to an emergency call. A woman was on the verge of having a baby at her home.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, the woman's three year old daughter to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

The mother pushed and pushed and very soon, a little baby boy was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and smacked him on his bottom. The baby began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

She quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place ... smack his ass again!"


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